Darn Divorce

A very good overview of some of the credit issues in divorce:

Ask The Advisor: How Will My Divorce Affect My Credit?
by Jimmy Atkinson, Ask The Advisor

In the unfortunate event that you get a divorce, worrying about your credit score may be the last thing on your mind. However, even during the most trying times of our lives, the world keeps spinning and the fact is, divorce can greatly impact your finances and credit history. If you are seeking or have finalized a divorce, it is time to assess what needs to be done to preserve or restore your financial reputation. Below, we will explain how divorce can affect your credit, as well as what you should do before and after your separation.

Divorce and Your Credit
You should know the ugly truth first: even the most amicable divorce can leave you in financial ruin. In the course of your marriage, you most likely merged all of your finances, from your bank accounts to ownership of property. A majority of marriages also have one partner who takes most of the responsibility when it comes to paying bills, which inadvertently leaves the other person in the dark about a lot of things. All of these arrangements, once just a common aspect of a committed relationship, contribute to credit problems upon separation.

When you get a divorce, it is your marriage that is ending and not your shared financial responsibilities. Even if your spouse accumulated some debt without your knowledge during the marriage, you may be held responsible for it after the divorce. That is, of course, if you don’t take the proper actions and sever all financial ties with your ex (excluding any child or spousal support, of course). This doesn’t have to be as nasty as it sounds, either. In fact, most divorcees are pretty eager to get on with their lives, rather than dragging out the affair with bitter opposition. Not all divorces are as heated as the ones you see on television. However, even if your partner is being reasonable about things, it doesn’t mean that creditors will show the same cooperation. That is why the ties must be severed sooner rather than later.

Protecting Your Finances Before the Divorce
While you may not want to think about money when you are experiencing a traumatic life change such as divorce, being practical may save you from even more heartache down the road. The best way to keep your credit safe from divorce is to start making changes as soon as the two of you decide to separate. The following steps should be taken:

Assess Your Responsibilities — You need to be aware of all the accounts you are responsible for, including bank accounts, mortgage loans, credit cards and utilities. Even if you and your spouse have decided who gets what property, you need to make sure that the right person is solely responsible for their respective belongings.

Dissolve All Joint Accounts — Rather than trying to divvy up what is owed on your joint accounts and asking your ex to honor their half, you should remove the right person’s name from the accounts or cancel them completely. Make sure the both of you do the canceling together, legally. The first place to start is the bank, as most couples share checking and/or savings accounts when they are married. Also, if you are taking possession of one car with both of your names on the note, have your spouse’s name removed. Make sure that your spouse does the same thing with any property they take. (If you are still paying for any of this property, then you may have to refinance to get the loan down to one name.) Any bills you paid together, such as your utilities, should be put in one name. As for credit cards, you can try to work with the credit card company and have them transfer half of the balance to two different accounts in anticipation of the divorce.

Sell the House — A common mistake that people make is giving their house to their spouse after the divorce. This may be due to abandonment or perhaps a well-intentioned arrangement because there are children involved. However, the best thing to do is to sell the house together and divide the profit. After all, no one can predict the future. Countless divorcees have found their credit ruined because their ex let their house go into foreclosure. Explaining to creditors that you are now divorced won’t make you any less responsible for a mortgage with your name on it.

Divide Any and All Shared Cash — In the process of allocating debt, canceling accounts and selling property, you and your spouse will probably be left with some liquid assets. You should, perhaps with the assistance of your divorce lawyers, fairly divide that cash before you walk out of each other’s lives. This is the legal, sensible and ethical thing to do.

Document Everything — Once the courts become involved and your divorce is finally underway, make sure that all of your financial arrangements and agreements are documented. That way, if there are any discrepancies down the road (such as a creditor bugging you about your ex’s car payments), you can refer anyone to your official court records. While this may not be a surefire way to get a collector off of your back in a timely manner, you will have the law on your side and the means to protect or restore your credit.

Saving Your Credit After the Divorce
Hindsight is always 20/20 and many people get a divorce without preparing their finances beforehand. This is understandable, as it may be hard to set aside emotions long enough to get everything in order. However, not doing so can result in serious issues with your credit score. If you have already finalized your divorce and are now being held responsible for your former spouse’s debts, make sure you do the following.

Check Your Credit Score — This is something you should do at least once a year, but it is especially important after major life events. By checking your credit score you can see if your credit has been adversely affected by your divorce. It will also show if there are any debts that you used to share with your spouse that are now being neglected. This will point you in the right direction when it comes time to cancel any joint accounts.

Separate/Cancel All Joint Accounts — Even if you ended your divorce on very bad terms, you simply must have a sit-down with your ex. Any and all accounts, debts and property that you still share should be separated, canceled or sold. In other words, you must separate your finances like you have separated your relationship. This can be most easily accomplished with your former spouse’s help. If he/she won’t help, it is time to call your lawyer. Either way, your financial ties must be severed.

Notify Creditors of Your Divorce — Once you have separated/canceled all of your joint accounts/debts, you are no longer legally bound to your former spouse’s current debts. Call all of the creditors who have been bothering you and alert them to this fact. In a perfect world, they would apologize for the inconvenience and never call you again. However, it may take awhile before such calls cease entirely. In addition to notifying the proper collectors, you should right a letter to them as well. That will help them to expedite their file updates.

Divorce is an ugly thing, no matter how it is carried out. The end of a marriage is a traumatic event that is only compounded by high court costs and possible credit problems after everything has settled. If you are thinking about divorce, follow the proper steps in separating you and your spouse’s finances. Otherwise, your credit score may plummet until everything is in order. The modern world revolves around credit, so a low credit score can have a devastating effect on your life. By taking the measures listed above, you can avoid any further distress than divorce has already caused you.

Remember the days when there were books for children on “difficult” topics such as divorce or puberty (you know the ones I’m talking about: “Where do Babies Come From”, “Why is Mommy’s New Friend Sleeping Over”) – those books. They were pretty good, had some decent cartoons, and for the most part did what they were supposed to do - help parents avoid awkward conversations with their children.

But divorce is not something you can just sweep under the carpet and hope will go away. According to a recent British survey, only 1 in 20 children of divorce believed that it was properly explained to them, while one-fourth of the children feel that no one had talked to them at all about the reasons for their parents’ separation.

Israeli company, Zipland Interactive, realized that a book just wasn’t gonna cut it anymore and has recently released “Earthquake in Zipland“: the world’s first research-based psychological computer game designed to help kids cope indirectly with divorce and separation.

“The benefits of this sort of game are numerous”, says Chaya Harash, MSW Family Therapist and CEO of Zipland Interactive, “For the children, it’s the first attempt at talking to them in their own language, dealing with a severe subject through humor and wit. For the parents, the game broadens their understanding of the impact of the separation on their child, and offers a way to communicate and talk about painful issues the child might be otherwise reluctant to express. For therapists and helping professions it can be used to get children to participate more actively in the therapy process, used either in the clinic or as a home ‘assignment’.”

A comprehensive Parent’s Guide is available to parents with tips and information on how to use the game with their child most effectively, as well as a video gallery of game episodes and explanations.

With the increasing number of divorces each year, was it just a matter of time before divorce help went cyber?

Their research says it works.

I say: with the holidays just around the corner, there’s never been a better time to set our priorities straight and put our children FIRST.

Go to the official website.

During the course of our lives, many people and situations intervene and challenge us. Take it easy. The way to live a happy and productive life is to stop focusing on what’s wrong and what’s lacking.

Start practicing the simple ABC’s of life. Don’t waste your precious moments building tension and anxiety. Find joy in the simple everyday little things.

The ABC’s of Life

Act silly

Believe in magic

Create adventures

Daydream every chance you get

Enjoy the little things

Find time for friends

Go to unexplored places

Hang upside down from trees

Imagine

Join clubs

Keep it simple

Love all creatures

Make time for friends

Nap when you can

Open your mind to new ideas

Play when you feel like it

Question the answers

Run with the wind

Sing favorite songs

Take days off

Uncover your talents

Venture out

Walk on the wild side

X-pect the best

Yield to the moment

Z-z z peacefully at night

SOURCE

It was a hot day in Santa Monica, but you’d never know it from the big chill between exes Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe. Legally un-fond!

The formerly inseparable twosome kept their distance while leaving a talent show at three-year-old son Deacon’s school with daughter Ava. Future celebuspawn in training!

It’s not tough for Ryan to look sexy — even in a sloppy jacket, beltless pants and skeezy tank top, while Reese looks breezily unaware of his existence. The exiting exes arrived separately, and a TMZ source says they didn’t interact much at the event.

SOURCE

If I didn’t read about it in three different cases, I would have never believed it. Apparently over history, the pet parrot has been a key witness in proving unfaithfulness and abuse in marriage:

November 19, 1937: According to the LA Times, Mr. James J. Reynolds wanted to put his parrot on the stand to testify concerning its knowledge of the domestic affairs of him and his wife by showing that the bird had learned to call Reynolds certain abusive names and that the bird’s teacher could have been none other than Mrs. Reynolds. Superior Judge Brand, however, refused to allow a parrot to testify declaring the procedure was a little too irregular in that the parrot probably could not be placed under oath and furthermore probably could not recall who had taught it anything it might have learned.”

November 28, 2005: Frank Ficker of Freiburg (try saying that five times straight) thought he had it all: successful wife, nice home, and a mistress on the side. But the family parrot, a pro at imitating Frank, spilled the beans on his cheating ways. That’s how Mrs. Ficker found out about her husband’s affair with a woman named Uta. “Hugo always liked to mimic Frank and he could do his voice perfectly,” said his wife. But one day Mrs. Ficker heard the bird repeating something she’d never heard before. “I heard him doing Frank’s voice, but saying ‘Uta, Uta,’” she said. According to DW-World, the unfamiliar word got the wife searching their house where she eventually came across two plane tickets to Paris, one for Frank, another for Uta (who was, evidently, the other woman.) “I kicked him straight out,” she said. “It’s just me and my parrot now.” Divorce proceedings are pending.

February 27, 2006: Argentina - Angry wife Rosella DeGambos got her blabbermouth parrot Bozo to testify in court, who then spilled all the family secrets within a two-hour appearance. “I knew he’d seen everything that my husband Carlos did when my back was turned,” Mrs. DeGambos said in an interview about her bizarre divorce court ploy. “And I knew he had the vocabulary to describe what he’d witnessed. According to Nature’s Corner, the parrot described three “pretty dollies” that Carlos had “tickled” while his wife was away. He also identified the women in photographs, calling them by their correct names. “I used to think that Carlos was a faithful husband but Bozo let me know about a year ago that something was up when I wasn’t home,” Mrs. DeGambos said. “He was using new words, words of love. And he began giggling in a high-pitched feminine voice. He kept saying, “No Carlos, not here,” and things like that. I knew if the lawyers could get him to testify, there was plenty of information they could get from him.” Shown one picture of the 23-year-old beautician Carlos allegedly wooed in his home, the bird shrieked, “Honeybun, I love you.” When Mrs. DeGambos’ attorney asked the bird, “Who loves Carlos?” the winged witness said, “Ruby loves Carlos, Ruby loves her baby.” Coincidently, Ruby is DeGambos’ young and voluptuous secretary. Judge Agusto, let Bozo’s testimony stand and granted the Mrs. her divorce. The first such ruling in the world.

Either way, it’ll be pretty easy to determine who gets to keep the parrot…

Related News:

Divorce goes Hi-Tech

When a new study comes out showing that Ritalin use doubles in children of divorce, it is easy to assume the very public perception that divorce is always bad for kids. But is it really that simple?

Below, Professor Lisa Strohschein asks the following question: ‘Is it possible that divorce acts as a stressful life event that creates adjustment problems for children, which might increase acting out behavior, leading to a prescription for Ritalin?’

Or as this blogger puts it so well:

People often use psychiatric diagnoses as if they’re explanations when really they’re nothing more than descriptions. The idea is that science will ‘fill in the gaps’ and explain how these differences occur.

The trouble is, the behaviour described by an ADHD diagnosis could occur because of genetic influences on brain development, because divorce is causing emotional distress, because the child is being bullied, or for any number of other reasons.

Ritalin is likely to help regardless of what is causing the child to be disturbed, because it helps the child focus by boosting attention.

The question is, should children be prescribed drugs because they are distressed by a divorce? There’s no definite answer in every case as each child and each situation is different.

But perhaps we should be concerned that children are likely being prescribed psychiatric drugs as a ‘quick fix’ for emotional distress and behaviour problems when research shows that parent training programmes are safe and effective.

Go to original article.

Embarking upon a college career is a rite of passage. It is a foray into the realm of adulthood; it is a time to test the waters intellectually and emotionally, socially and professionally. But new adults are not immediately minted as soon as the dorm room is set up and the parents have waved good-bye. College is a formative time during which young adults are especially needful of parental security and support. But for students whose collegiate journey precipitates their parents’ divorce announcement, their lives are suddenly thrown into a tailspin, making an already challenging transition even more difficult.

For parents who decide to “stick it out” in order to provide a stable life for their child, the decision to divorce once the child is in college is usually rooted in the belief that the child is adult enough to finally do without the parent’s union, says Paul Amato, Penn State professor of sociology, demography and family studies. These couples consider college to be an emotional and social marker indicating their child is mature and independent and that the marriage has served its purpose. However, this is a limited perspective, says Amato.

“It’s a mistake to think college students are completely separated from parents. They’re still very dependent on their parents for economic support, emotional support, advice and guidance,” says Amato. “Ideally, students would like to come and go from being dependent to being independent, and gradually have that be under their control. But divorce might take away that sense of control — the process of separation and individuation.”

Each year, Penn State’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) sees many students who are struggling to make sense of their parents’ announcement of divorce.

“For a lot of students, it’s a loss of their security,” says Mary Anne Knapp, counselor for CAPS. “They think, ‘I just got here and am getting my bearings. I wanted something constant to go back to. I wanted to know there was security at home.’”

The number of couples who choose to divorce later in marriage — late enough to have a college-age child — is relatively small when considering that most divorced couples break up after about seven years of marriage. Although a couple who divorces after about 20 years of marriage is less common, Amato says that population still represents a significant portion of U.S. divorces.

“The trend is for couples to divorce fairly early, rather than to stick it out for the long haul. Nevertheless, given the large number of divorces that occur in the United States — almost half of all marriages end in divorce — that’s still going to be a relatively large group in absolute numbers.”

The infrequency of divorce after 15 or more years of marriage makes this situation even more unique in terms of its psychological impact. The very fact that a couple has been together for so long before divorcing is quite jarring to family and friends who perhaps never expected the break. However, to couples who defined their relationship predominantly though the day-to-day rearing of their child, divorce may seem like a natural progression once that child has left the household for college.

“What holds some parents together is the fact that they are parents. They might have a relationship that is empty in lots of other ways, but what keeps them together is their kids,” says Amato. “Then when the child leaves home, suddenly it’s just the two of them. They’ve lost that day-to-day parenting role. It forces them to confront that emptiness and gets them to thinking about splitting up.”

In many cases where the parents have stayed together for the sake of their children, they are in marriages that are not extremely hostile or violent, Amato says. Often, these are parents who have just disengaged from each other but have resolved to stay married to sustain the family unit. The question of whether or not it is better for children if parents remain together despite a desire to divorce has been the focus of many recent studies.

“Research indicates that if parents have a hostile relationship and fight frequently, children are better off, in the long run, if their parents divorce. This is especially true if there are repeated episodes of violence in the marriage. If parents have a cooperative but emotionally disengaged marriage, however, it’s usually better for children if the parents remain together,” explains Amato.

“In cases where parents are civil and there is not any overt fighting, it’s a pretty tranquil home environment. And often the kids don’t really understand how alienated the parents are from one another,” he continues.

So, if the divorce occurs when the child is a first-year student in college, and he or she did not see it coming, it has the potential to severely destabilize the student’s life.

“It causes you to question your whole past and your relationship with parents, as well as the whole meaning of family: ‘What did my family life mean? Was it real or was it just a sham?’” Amato says, “It really brings a great deal into question.”

Knapp has seen a range of different reactions among college students impacted by recent parental divorce. Emotions may run the gamut. Students might express anger, confusion and sometimes guilt. Sometimes they’re dealing with caretaker reversals in which they find themselves strained to provide emotional support for each parent. At other times, a student may feel relief because they have sensed the strain or been exposed to fighting for years.

“Part of CAPS’ job is to figure out exactly how the student has been affected, and how this news fits into their view of relationships and security.”

Most students who contact CAPS for help are seen for individual or group counseling, but if the student wishes, a CAPS counselor can facilitate a family conversation, as well.

A common issue among this student population is difficulty concentrating on academics, Knapp says.

“There’s a lot of emotional processing going on and that might take time and energy away from academic performance,” says Knapp. “The part of their brain that would be studying is busy worrying instead, so they may have a hard time taking in new material.”

Students might have difficulty concentrating, sleeping and getting to class because they are preoccupied, worrying about their family’s situation. At a time so full of confusion and emotion, CAPS is able to offer some objective guidance, keep students apprised of academic deadlines and facilitate conversations with faculty, advisers or student aid, if need be. All services are confidential and are performed only at the student’s behest.

In addition to negative academic implications, the stability of the student’s relationships with others — even their own romantic partners — may be called into question.

“Whether it’s conscious of not, the longest marital relationship most people have seen day to day is their parents,” says Amato. “When parental divorce occurs at this stage in the student’s life — when just venturing into more serious relationships — his or her ability to form stable, meaningful romantic attachments might also be challenged.”

Students might wonder what their parents’ divorce suggests about their own understanding of serious relationships, if their parents ever loved each other, and if there is any surety that their own partners will stay with them. In the most extreme cases, Knapp says, students may even break up with significant others amid this confusion.

As with any life crisis, there are no easy answers when dealing with a parental breakup, but Knapp suggests students reach out for support — either to CAPS or to friends and other family members.

“It’s best to talk through emotional issues rather than allow the pain to consume and offset your life.

In addition to seeking emotional support, connecting with the campus community through participation in student activities, academic clubs or athletics might be comforting to students and may help them channel their energies positively.

“There’s never a good time or a good age for children to learn their parents’ marriage has fallen apart, but universities like Penn State understand how uniquely devastating this situation can be for college students,” says Knapp. “And we want to do whatever we can to help them navigate through this.”

SOURCE: Penn State Population Research Institute

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