Mothers-in-Law Cause of Italy’s Soaring Divorce Rate
February 3rd, 2007 by DWordDiva
Italy has been experiencing an unprecedented rise in marriage break-ups. The main cause bearing a high proportion of the blame? Mamma’s boys and interfering mothers-in-law.
A new poll by research institute Eures reveals that divorce happens every four minutes(!) in the country once regarded as a bastion of marriage. In 2002, Italy recorded 50,828 divorces - a 45 percent increase from 2000. While some reasons for divorce seem to be marrying too young, squabbling over money and meeting new partners, a shocking three out of 10 marriages fail because of the unusually close attachment of Italian men to their mothers.
A real life “Everybody Loves Raymond”, mothers-in-law who live in the same house or nearby, are putting strains on couple’s relationship by meddling in their affairs, finding fault with her daughter-in-law and of course, treating her grown-up son as a child.
Psychologist Dr. Annamaria Cassanese says she sees many disillusioned daughters-in-law at her practice in Milan. “In Italy there still exists a sort of mother love that is excessive,” said Cassanes. “It is a very Latin thing, deeply embedded in our social structure. For example, you will see mothers crying at the weddings of their sons, but they are not crying for joy, they are crying because they feel devastated. Their son has chosen another woman and it arouses very complex feelings, including jealousy.”
Cassanese points out two different types of extreme Italian mothers-in-law. One refuses to give in to ageing and sees her daughter-in-law as a rival; the other has dedicated her life to her family and expects payback, well, for life. The latter type of mother-in-law starts creeping in by offering to do chores such as cooking, ironing and babysitting. “This can often be the beginning of an invasion, in which the mother-in-law slowly takes over and undermines the woman in her own home,” she says. “What starts out being portrayed as something that is helpful degenerates into outright intrusion such as going into drawers and pulling out shirts that are not ironed ‘her way’ or monopolizing the kitchen. Wives feel like strangers in their own homes because the mother-in-law is always there.”
The fact that many Italian parents help out their children financially by buying them apartments or cars doesn’t help either, adds Dr. Cassanese. The so-called generosity causes the mother-in-law to expect something in return. Cassanese claims that many couples still obey invitations to eat with their parents three or four times a week.
According to Dr. Cassanese, the concept of mammoni - sons who cling to apron strings - is well known in Italy and it is not uncommon for men in their 30’s and 40’s to live with their parents. The reasons are partly economic but also come about because boys are indulged well into adulthood causing Italian men who remain close to their mothers to become emotionally immature. “The husband is used to being adored and when he doesn’t get that unconditional love from his wife, he goes running back to his mother.”
12 Responses to “Mothers-in-Law Cause of Italy’s Soaring Divorce Rate”
What do you have to say?
Wow, my mother in law is looking better and better by the minute…
This is a very good article, right on the money and I can totally relate!Wow, my husband and I are actually getting divorced because of his evil monster of a mother. She has him completely brainwashed, and he is basically picking his “dear mother” over me. She is so selfish, that she does not even care if her son ever gets married, as long as he takes care of her. She also spends all of his money, and takes complete advantage of my husband. I tried to open his eyes, but he is very immature, and does not get it, so I`m moving on with my life.
Hello, I am a master’s student in Communication at Illinois State University. My research line focuses on the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship. Specifically, I am focusing on the emotional experience and expression of mothers-in-law. I am in need of participants to my study (mothers-in-law). If you know anyone that would be interested in contributing to social scientific research, please have them visit my website motherinlawstudy.blogspot.com, thank you so much!
Sylvia
well sylvia youre in luck! you can ask me anything about mother-in-law im married but im verytraumatic because of too much meddling of my mother in law and my husband is a mama’s boy, she invents stories about me telling everything in exaggerated for and broadcasted to her sisters like cnn, i think she needs a psychologist she talks alone, she keeps on telling my husband anything about me that isnt and will never be true. im sooo helpless here, and when she commits mistakes againts me she never ever say sorry.like an arrogant mule.
My mother in law has never supported my husband and I as a married couple. I am a second wife and gave her two beautiful grandchildren, which she treats like they are not hers. She bends over backwards for the ex- wife who is a handful and grown grandchildren. It has made things rough on us. Meddling started years ago with then my husbands kids being younger and her not respecting my husbands visitation after the divorce. Picking them up on our weekends and thus my husband not seeing them on a regular basis. She has cost us a fortune in attorney fees because of her meddling and staying in touch with the ex-wife. Now, his older children have very little to do with us and treat us bad. Maybe if dear old mother had let her son be involved with the kids and kept him in the loop things would be different. A little advice when your kid remarries close the door on the ex- spouse a bit….or you will end up loosing your own kid and maybe future grandchildren. It amazes me how hurtful this lady really is……… She picks the other grandchildren up weekly and has not asked once to see her youngest grandchild in months! My husband is not a Mama’s Boy, so it helps he shares in my despair. It’s best to shut the Mother in law out a bit if you don’t want to be hurt.
I empathize with your misfortune. No one really knows how hard it is to step parent kids that do not live with you or even be a biological parent to those who have their heads filled with junk from the custodial parent! To have a mother in-law that does not respect you or support you and your family is the worst! Your right. Step back a bit. Wonder why the divorce rate is so high all over not just Italy.
now where do i start…? my mother in law is evil, wicked, nasty, sick, twisted, lying, controlling little hobbit sized bitch. she is making my life hell, i’m losing the will to live because of one nasty twisted lying controlling little hobbit, she might be small but she’s a f**king bitch.
unfortunatly i have to live with this monster. she is messing with my head, she’s making me mental, i cannot live with her, i’ve only been married 7 month, and feel like commiting suicide already. My husband is a brickwall who doesn’t wana understand me. i am trapped get me out of here. she’s driving me crazy. could someone tell me how do i deal with this monster?
Naz,
You should leave. There is no point in living in a mentally abusive situation, with no support from you own husband (shame on him!). It might feel scary, but call up a friend or family member and just leave for a while. If nothing changes, or no one is willing to change (i.e. live away from the MIL) then you are just setting yourself up for failure and pain. Good luck and be strong!
Hi Naz!
I totally agree with Shandy.Move out before it´s too late….I mean before kids arrive on the scene.Once there are kids involved,it gets far more difficult….it´s not fair to kids either.So get out while the going is good….I know….you love your husband….but now it´s his turn to show you how much he loves you……alternatively….how about getting YOUR mom to move in with you also??Just let the two moms-in-law battle it out instead!!!Your husband will be glad to move out with you!!!If he´s allowed tohave his mom all the time,then you´re entitled to have your mom around all the time too!!!See how much your husband like that!!!I´m keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Naz,
I can totally relate. I just recently moved to Italy with my husband, and we are staying with his parents until we can find a place. His parents treat him like he is a child, but his mother acts crazy. She is sneaky, evil, and so jealous. I have tried and tried to be nice to this lady and I’m not sure what to do. She plays off sympathy, and tries to make my husband feel sorry for her. I’m not sure if the situation will improve once we move out, because when he is not home she has to call him constantly. It’s driving me crazy. He has tried to say things to her, but when he does it starts a fight. So most of the time he would just rather let it go and ignore it. Meanwhile my head feels like it’s going to explode… Any suggestions???
It’s an epidemic. I think even more than divorce, which I am presently going through, is the unhealthy mama boy in the role of father. My soon to be ex “needs a female around” when he has our son, so who does he have but, his back stabbing nice to your face, dagger in your back mommy - who basically has set up house with him in some strange wife-like way. He basically chose a divorce because she was putting so much pressure on him - calling him complaining about me, saying nice things to me, but inciting him behind my back. I’ve learned in this process of having him take our son for visistation to make it my commitment to raise a healthy man capable of an adult relationship that isn’t some perverse sexual/non-sexual love/hate little boy addiction that he has for his mother. On that note I highly recommend the book “Real Boys.” It discusses the damage that society and mother’s do to their sons. And seeing how that damage plays itself out as an adult, is disturbing at best. I don’t want my son to be a slave to my apron. I want him to be a self-actualized adult man.
My italian mother in law is so sweet, until that is, when her son decides to take a stand and stand by me his wife and not her, his mama. After 3 years i have had enough of being forced to sit at a table and listen to a language they refuse to teach me. I have taken a stand and invited her to my table for a meal. Last week, just my luck, the chicken was a bit dry for her to swallow so this week it’s been all fixed. My husband and her have decided that tonight she will cook the meal in my kitchen. I just need to look on.