JEDDAH - For some women divorce is the only way to end a conflict and bring a solution to their miseries no matter what the consequences may be. However, there are some women who use the threat of divorce as a final weapon to tame their husbands. Sometimes the move backfires and as the husband obliges women are left in sorrow.
“If my husband had listened to me two months after our marriage we would not have stayed together for all these 12 years. I admit that it is stupid to ask for a divorce,” said Umm Muhammad who regularly asks her husband for divorce to keep him in check.
“Women use the threat of divorce to ensure their husbands love and care about them,” she said. “Deep inside I don’t want my husband to get bored one day and divorce me. Therefore, I try to watch my words and control myself.”
Umm Khalid says she has asked her husband for a divorce over a 100 times. “He has never gone ahead with it. He is wise and listens to me when I am nervous and knows how much I love him. I don’t think he’ll ever divorce me for the sake of our three children,” she said.
Married for seven years is Suad, who says she has been continually asking her husband to divorce her. “Sometimes I really mean what I am saying. But when I think of my life and how this single word could change it totally I just forget about it. I prefer to remain being a wife than to be a divorced woman without a home and a family,” she said.
“My husband tries his best to comfort me every time I ask for a divorce. This he does out of fear for our home and family. If he wanted to divorce me then he could have done so a long time ago,” she added.
Nura Al-Sid said that she believes that a woman who asks for divorce is in fact demanding attention from her husband. “They feel safe and secure when their husbands refuse to divorce them. It depends on the personality of the husband and how easy it is for him to break up with his wife. It also depends on how calm and relaxed he is as a person,” she said.
Haifa Hussain works at a hospital and has been married for over 20 years. Haifa is adamant she wants a divorce but says she is unable to ask her husband out of fear for her children and the prospect of a miserable divorced life.
Jameel Musawi said that if his wife was to ask him for a divorce then he would try to calmly discuss the problem and comfort her. “However, if she was to ask for a divorce after each and every argument we have then I would explain to her that this is not the way. If she insists on us breaking up then I would bring the marriage to an end,” he said.
Adil Abdullah on the other hand sympathizes with women. “In any conflict the two parties try to exhaust every possible way to win the argument. Men have far more ways to win. Wives find themselves with no choice except to ask for a divorce; this is out of their stress. Husbands must deal with their wives calmly and must not take their words at face value when they ask for a divorce,” he said.
Abu Sultan believes that the environment women are raised in affects them greatly. “If the wife was raised by a mother who continuously asked for a divorce then the daughter will also do the same thing. However, if the wife is wise and appreciates married life then she will be quite careful when asking for a divorce,” he said.
According to Dr. Muhammad Al-Junaid, a specialist in social psychology, women find it quite easy to ask for a divorce although in most cases they do not mean what they say. He added that in their subconscious minds, women face different difficulties and problems as housewives and mothers.
“Despite all these stresses they don’t want to get divorce because they know that at end of the day they will be the ones to lose out. However, there are wives who ask for a divorce and are fully conscious of the consequences. A divorce could rescue a woman but at the same time it could also shatter her dreams,” added Al-Junaid.
Al-Junaid also explained that marital problems happen mainly among newly-married couples and added that a woman’s personality has a large effect on the relationship. “The level of awareness and understanding is crucial in any marriage,” he said, adding that wives should not “continuously demand divorces. If they overuse it, then it could affect the relations between the couple,” he said, adding that husbands need to open channels of communications with their wives for there to be mutual understanding.
“Wives must control themselves and be more patient even when facing complicated problems. They should not opt for a divorce except if they are left with no other choice,” he said.
Sabah Al-Zahar, a psychologist, said that there is always the fear of husbands becoming frustrated and then issuing a divorce.
“Many wives then feel destroyed and are unable to recover when they get divorced. Every marriage is a combination of a mixture of contradicting emotions.
“These emotions include love and violence at varying degrees. For couples to rescue their marriage they must understand each other and communicate wisely without letting the issue reaching the point of divorce.”
Via Arab News