Sometimes “Cupid” just doesn’t get it right… but now, just in time for Valentine’s Day, local radio station WZZO is offering chance to break away from your ball and chain without breaking the bank: A Free Divorce Giveaway!
WZZO has been calling out to lonely, bitter souls to send in creative divorce poems in exchange for an all-expense paid divorce. DJ Tori of WZZO said to reporters, “A lot of people are stuck in marriages they don’t want to be in and are looking for a way to get out. This is what this is - a way to get out.”
All week, listeners have submitted their “I Loathe You” poems to Tori, who has posted her favorites on their official website. Readers can vote for their favorite poems by February 14th, 12 noon and Tori will announce the winner on her February 14th show.
But before you decide if the concept of a free divorce radio giveaway is ingenious or outrageous, check out the hilarious chosen poems of the finalists. You can still vote for the most deserving divorcee-to-be:
i want to be set free
because you are a druggie.
i take care of the two kids of mine
while you’re out doing a line.
you don’t pay child support,
and you won’t show up to court.
i need to get a divorce from you fast
so i can forget about your ass
i’m asking for this money
so i no longer consider you my “honey”
you’re lazy, bossy and retarded
so i want to get this divorce started.
i’m hoping they pick me
so i can be a divorcee.
Oh how I loathe you, there were no better days
Oh how I loathe you, in so many different ways
It was the baby’s first birthday, you decided not to come
The joke’s on you, because the baby’s first word was “Mom!”
Your ability to help me with the kids is something I hold dear…
You see your kids four hours a week; you must be father of the freaking year.
You insist on going commando because you think you are hot
I never fixed that hole in your pants– so guess what, you’re not.
You let the kids spend a ton of money at Santa’s workshop with my blank check
Do you know how many bouncy balls sixty dollars buys? What the heck?
Christmas rolled around and you didn’t buy the kids a thing…
Don’t worry, I bought them presents after I pawned my wedding ring.
When you had our car repossessed I bet you thought you were the bomb…
I have a car now, but that’s okay–you just keep borrowing one from your mom.
Please give me this divorce as you can see I have had enough…
Let this guy go find someone else he can take advantage of!
My dearest Dirtball, I Loathe You!
I am tired of being misled
No more tears will I shed
I Loathe You! Dirtball!
You are a loser that is constantly lying
Now you have a baby that won’t stop crying
I Loathe You! Liar!
I hope you and the fat bitch are happy
Congratulations, you are now a new pappy!
I really, really loathe you! Screwball!
You say you didn’t choose her
She doesn’t yet realize you are a loser
You say you were tricked
And you listened to your dick
I Loathe YOU! Jerky boy!
You say she owes you money
Now she demands you call her honey
You gave me no choice
Now it’s time for a divorce
My eyes may not be red
But to me, you are now dead.
I loathe you! Lisa’s toy!
It is my freedown I now seek
You are such a freakin’ geek
What we have now is not a life
And you will soon have a new wife.
So my sweet Valentine
You are free to marry the bride of Frankenstein.
Here are the papers for you to sign!
Chains of Love
You were my buddy, my lover, my friend.
We thought when we met it would never end.
We were together, I knew you so well.
It started like heaven and ended like hell.
Together we laughed, and later we cried.
It was under your spell, that I nearly died.
You lied and you cheated, you took and you stole.
You spent all your time poisoning my soul.
I ran and I hid, we lied and we cried.
Still your chains of love always bound me.
I feared for our lives, I thought we would die.
I could not escape you and didn’t know why.
So now we are done and have shattered your spell.
See ya you bitch you can go straight to hell!
I loathe everything about you
Every single thing you say
Every word uttered from your foul mouth
You kill me every day
I loathe looking at your beer gut
And that nasty smelly beard
I loathe the teeth that you refuse to brush
Your kiss is truly feared.
I loathe the way you keep me in
And scare away my friends
I’m alone in this prison of yours
And the heartache never ends.
I long to be away from you
I dream of being free
The funny thing about this all
Is that I know that you loathe me.
First it was love, now it is hate,
I’m so freakin glad you’re not still my mate.
My loathe for you grows stronger every minute,
now here’s a tub of acid, go sit your fat ass in it.
I still have the dog, and I like him better,
at least he looks good in most of your sweaters.
So if you think I am sad, thats far from the truth,
you should go upstairs and jump off the roof.
So with this poem I hope to bid ado, because if I don’t freakin win,
I’ll have to get a wood chipper for you.
You’re a piece of s!
And your bitch is, too
You foreclosed on my house, lost your job, too
Now you’re waiting for welfare to come through
It’s been three years since you skipped town
That dumb bitch and her kids sure brought you down
It’s time to move on so I can be me
Please, please please ZZO set me free.
I have written a poem to you, my wife
The one who was to share my life.
Things were great when they all started
You would even laugh when I farted
Now the past is filled with thoughts of you cheating
My Oh My, this heart took a beating
So one day I took my life back and packed my bags
Now I am only wishing that you contract crabs
Child support comes out of every check
Hoping that you get into a car wreck
You might think that I am being bitter
I knew I should have slept with the babysitter
You have given me many days full of tears
Now I don’t feel so bad about the strippers and beers
I was told you would support all that I do
Now I know there was a guy right behind you
I’d be giving you too much calling you a bitch
Let’s hope that you somehow develop an itch
Some say that a voice can be the sweetest thing
When I hear you your neck is what I want to wring
Valentine’s Day is a day that is revolved around love
It would be great if both OJ and I had an unfitting glove
The best thing I did was just to let you go
Got in the car and blasted ZZO
Now I must wish you a great goodbye
Waiting for the day that you die.
It started ten years ago, in the cold winters snow,
We found a love so strong, it started to grow.
We just knew all along that we were true soul mates,
I just never thought, love this strong could turn to hate.
Our love grew stronger, we hated being apart,
We both had these feelings deep down in our hearts.
It was a struggle against all odds in order to be together,
Because without one another, there could be nothing better.
I showered her with gifts, like diamonds and flowers,
The next thing you knew, it was time for the bridal shower.
Finally the day came to share our vows and a kiss,
To enter a bond together in new found wedded bliss.
That day was so perfect, it just seemed to fly by,
I could never imagine it was so full of lies.
We honeymooned in Vegas which was as miserable as could be,
How could I be so blind, I just couldn’t see.
Newlyweds are to have sex, like bunnies and mice,
But all that I got was a cold block of ice.
Now it’s time to return home, with a few bitter feelings,
Maybe she will calm down, or else go through the ceiling.
In our first month together, as man and as wife,
We started planning out the rest of our life.
A few weeks had passed and an indifference came about,
She started not to care if we ever bought a house.
Now people change and to that I can relate,
But who the hell is she, how does she think she rates.
All topics of conversation changed quickly overnight,
Now there is no mention of us at all together in our future life.
She can’t even look me in the eye, or acknowledge I was even there,
There was a brick wall between us, it was not just air.
The silence turned deafening, and I really can’t stand it,
But she can’t tell me the truth, which seems to be a new habit.
She needs time to herself, time to be alone,
But when I ask if we have a chance, she can’t even throw me a bone.
I asked about marriage counseling, to resolve some of our issues,
She said there was only one issue, I DON’T LOVE YOU.
She finally moved out, after three weeks of pure hell,
To be alone by herself, she moved into a hotel.
But throughout this ordeal, she forgot one important step,
She didn’t take from the car, the incriminating evidence.
She checked into the hotel with a second adult for a week,
She thinks that I’m small, insignificant and easy to cheat.
She told me she doesn’t love me, or even want to for that matter,
All that did was make me bitter, and a hell of a lot madder.
She said she was too young, not sure what she wanted,
All I can think now is that its time she was punted.
Anyway, we had nine good years to remember or to forget,
But our four months of marriage was just one big regret.
Now I am not angry or have any other bad feelings,
But for that woman she left me for,
There will be some dealings.
I know I loved you
You said you loved me
I didn’t have a clue
The heartache I couldn’t see
So I gave you my heart
And You gave me V.D.
A mortgage I can’t pay
And a longing unfulfilled
There is nothing left to say
My love for you was killed
For I know that you lied
about the two guys on the side
Your love for me was just an act
My disgust for you is just a fact
In bed you where a terrible lay
What I saw in you I just cannot say
So I am leaving you with hate
Out the door I will run
One more minute would be too late
Our future together is done
VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE POEM HERE!