“I have told him that I am all for the divorce now – but his behavior is getting WORSE…”

Gosh! All of this info is making my head spin ….. but maybe, somewhere out there, someone has some advice for me ………. ?

I am currently “legally” married; separated now for 4 months from a man I met when I was 18 [he was 21]. Fast forward 18 years, 16 years of them married. We have a 15 yo daughter and a 12 yo son. We both work full time jobs.

He was abusive both physically and mentally to my cats, never to me, but he knew how much I love my cats that that was his way of hurting me much deeper and longer-lasting than any type of abuse he could do to me [This is within the last 3-5 years or so]. He seemed to always keep me confused and told me I was crazy; that I was imagining things; making a big deal out of nothing; he chose to masturbate to pornos instead of spending time with me in bed; never celebrated my successes, or my new haircuts; always being disrespectful, distant and dispassionate towards me - oh, the list goes on and on …….

I was tired of his psychological abuse and emotional neglect and narcissism [which didn’t come to light until WAY AFTER he left - I now have a name for what it was that he was doing all these years that had me so confused all the time]. I called him one morning and angrily told him “I’ve had it up to here! One of us has got to go - and it ain’t gonna be me who moves out ……..” I packed up his stuff and left it in the kitchen for him to vacate as soon as possible.

I, almost immediately, regretted my decision when I threw him out. [This was before I realized what he was doing.] I told him how I felt and that I wasn’t really thinking straight. I told him I wanted him to stay/come back and work things out - we really needed some serious help, and we should consider counseling. He refused; saying that he hadn’t loved me for over 10 years [!] and that, even though he cared about me, he wanted a divorce. I was floored. We had almost divorced after I discovered his affair in December 1999. He begged me to stay and he would do his best to make things work. We had counseling, and we went thru the catholic church and renewed our wedding vows in October 2001. When I asked him why, [after claiming no love feelings for me for over 10 years,] back then, he begged me to stay, he replied “Well, the kids were younger then ………” and when I asked him why he had gone thru with the vow renewal, he replied “I thought, ‘why the hell not?’ [as if he had nothing better to do]”

I found out later that, during the time period between my kicking him out and him actually leaving [10 day period], he had consulted a lawyer right away. All while telling the kids that he thought that it would be a good idea for he and I to give each other some space to try to figure out if we really loved each other and wanted to be together.

2 months later, I get uncontested papers in the mail and he wants me to sign all my rights away, and that we could use his attorney, and “it wouldn’t cost him $200/hour to get this over with”. I told him no way, I wasn’t stupid, and that I was entitled to get my questions answered by my own attorney, and find out what I am entitled to. So I retained my own lawyer. He was not happy about that. BUT HE NEVER HAD THE PAPERS FILED IN COURT - he had PLENTY of time and opportunity to do that. I think he realized that he could attempt to control me via visitation and child support; and if there’s no court order, he doesn’t have to pay support.

But his other behaviors are SO PUZZLING - for someone who wants this divorce so badly, he sure has been dragging his feet and behaving in odd, contradictory ways, i.e., wanting to know where I am when he has the kids in his care; avoiding my phone calls to discuss visitation or inquire about where the hell my child support check is [he calls the children directly to make arrangements for his visitation]; always insulting me, saying I’m a bad parent and I’m irresponsible, etc.; asking me to meet him for coffee to “discuss a few things - don’t worry, I’m not OJ” - and yet, will change his mind at the last minute and tell me there’s nothing to discuss. I came across a CD my daughter borrowed from him - it was, she said, “his angry CD, as he calls it” - with songs mostly about a man who is so deep in despair over his broken relationship: songs like, MUDVAYNE’s “Forget To Remember” and “Happy?”; MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)”; NICKELBACK “Savin’ Me”; an assortment of The Fray songs; METALLICA Welcome Home (Sanitarium) ….. just to give you an example.

Well - as much as I would have hoped to work on this [I currently have changed my mind for good], I went ahead and had my attorney file the petition so we can get an emergency order of support - no one fucks with the well-being of my children, their biological father included.

Let me also add to all this info the fact that I KNOW I was not an angel thru this entire relationship - I cheated in the spring of 1998 and spent more nights out with the girls than I should have, but I always came home to him. And, I know I could have been a better wife, mother, etc. Realistically and by being brutally honest, I KNOW the mistakes I made, and have opened my eyes to my faults. I am truly a work-in-progress with my changes, but I am changing for the better. He, on the other hand, thinks he has done no wrong, and he doesn’t need to change.

I have told him that I am all for the divorce now – but his behavior is getting WORSE and his meddling family doesn’t help.

Believe me – this summary is only the tip of the iceberg of my situation …..

I am SO confused – anyone have any thoughts/opinions about all this? I could use some views on this. Thanks!

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Comments

I know what you have gone through. It seems that there was a time when many women went through exactly what you are describing and did not know what to do about it. The fact of the matter is that you are worth more than what you think you are worth. You are more than a work in progress. I think it is best for you to only coordinate things with your husband through an attorney or police official. Yours is a scary situation in that respect. I also feel that you and your kids should go to counseling. Counseling is a wonderful avenue to get the self-respect you deserve and to ensure that your kids do not fall into a destructive cycle as you and your husband have. Right now your ultimate responsibility is to your kids, and the best way to handle that is to ensure you are in the right places emotionally and mentally, and also to ensure that they are as well. good luck, and you will come out of all of this better off…

You lost me at “he beats my cats to hurt me”.

Honey, file for divorce yourself. The relationship is abusive and you would certainly get a healthy chunk of the money both of you have.

He’s dragging his feet because he knows that your share of the estate and the alimony checks would devastate his lifestyle. That’s why he hoped you would sign the “no contest” papers - so he could keep all the money and maintain his lifestyle.

A good lawyer, after hearing this story, would take this on for a chunk of the money that he would almost certainly win - (s)he wouldn’t expect much of anything up front.

You’re destroying your kids. All this back and forth, now they’re together, now they’re not, now they’re maybe is going to undermine any sense of confidence they ever had in you or themselves. For goodness sake, file for divorce, cut all ties, and move on!

The poor kids! They should NOT be involved like this!!!

You and your kids need counseling and you need it NOW.

My prayers are with you.

This is in response to “zomg”:

Abusive to my cats in the following forms:

Stepping on their necks to hold them down, perhaps to force them into submission of him

Snapping towels at them, either making contact or not, just for the folly of “hearing them hiss and spit …. it’s hysterical!” Those were his actual words!

Chasing them around the house, cornering them and threatening them with an object;

Threats to me that “maybe one day I’ll poison them …..”

Throwing objects at them, for no reason — he was particularly fond of throwing shoes at them;

Not allowing the cats access to certain parts of the house, because “I just don’t want them in here, and they are not allowed to sit with you if I’m here”

Shall I go on????

The guy sounds like a real asshole. Listen, you have to contact a good lawyer immediately. Do you understand that? You have to get out of this relationship asap. He is abusive, he should not be around your kids. And you both shouldnt involve the kids with your problems, or your bad-mouthing, or your CDs. This is not a game. Get a divorce. Get counsling. And get out.

Wow that is a truley amazing story!!!!! (I am battling my behind off with blogger - I cant sign in, open my comments let alone do a new post - It is so bloody irritating). Anyways luckily I can still visit SOME of my blogs but not all!

Take Care

I’m sorry for what you are going thru!

There are some resources for you!

Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship
Lundy Bancroft, What does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. His other book starts with “When Dad Hurts Mom”.

Keep in mind this type of abuse is not a gender issue tho! Many men going thru the same thing mentioned that the above books helped them alot! The dynamics are the same - just sub the gender words when reading.

Also there is a website drirene.com that you might find helpful as well. It also has a board on that site so you can speak with other people in the same boat!

Thanks to all for your comments. Much appreciated!

Sounds like you need to get over yourself. You cheated on him and he teases your cats… your nuts lady!

You gotta be kidding me… WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH HIM???

In response to “Sam” — I did forget to put in my blog that HE also cheated as well, and LIED for a whole month, even AFTER he was caught red handed ……. so, no I DON’T NEED TO GET OVER MYSELF. You’re probably a narcissist yourself. And learn how to use contractions correctly [you’re, not “your”]…

In response to “sammy” — we are NOT together anymore …. I kicked him out almost 5 MONTHS AGO …..

Please check out my site: holisticdivorce.wordpress.com
It’s 100% free and offers support, resources, etc to help you through this cosmic hazing.
Wishing you every goodness,
Nicole

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