Gosh! All of this info is making my head spin ….. but maybe, somewhere out there, someone has some advice for me ………. ?
I am currently “legally” married; separated now for 4 months from a man I met when I was 18 [he was 21]. Fast forward 18 years, 16 years of them married. We have a 15 yo daughter and a 12 yo son. We both work full time jobs.
He was abusive both physically and mentally to my cats, never to me, but he knew how much I love my cats that that was his way of hurting me much deeper and longer-lasting than any type of abuse he could do to me [This is within the last 3-5 years or so]. He seemed to always keep me confused and told me I was crazy; that I was imagining things; making a big deal out of nothing; he chose to masturbate to pornos instead of spending time with me in bed; never celebrated my successes, or my new haircuts; always being disrespectful, distant and dispassionate towards me - oh, the list goes on and on …….
I was tired of his psychological abuse and emotional neglect and narcissism [which didn’t come to light until WAY AFTER he left - I now have a name for what it was that he was doing all these years that had me so confused all the time]. I called him one morning and angrily told him “I’ve had it up to here! One of us has got to go - and it ain’t gonna be me who moves out ……..” I packed up his stuff and left it in the kitchen for him to vacate as soon as possible.
I, almost immediately, regretted my decision when I threw him out. [This was before I realized what he was doing.] I told him how I felt and that I wasn’t really thinking straight. I told him I wanted him to stay/come back and work things out - we really needed some serious help, and we should consider counseling. He refused; saying that he hadn’t loved me for over 10 years [!] and that, even though he cared about me, he wanted a divorce. I was floored. We had almost divorced after I discovered his affair in December 1999. He begged me to stay and he would do his best to make things work. We had counseling, and we went thru the catholic church and renewed our wedding vows in October 2001. When I asked him why, [after claiming no love feelings for me for over 10 years,] back then, he begged me to stay, he replied “Well, the kids were younger then ………” and when I asked him why he had gone thru with the vow renewal, he replied “I thought, ‘why the hell not?’ [as if he had nothing better to do]”
I found out later that, during the time period between my kicking him out and him actually leaving [10 day period], he had consulted a lawyer right away. All while telling the kids that he thought that it would be a good idea for he and I to give each other some space to try to figure out if we really loved each other and wanted to be together.
2 months later, I get uncontested papers in the mail and he wants me to sign all my rights away, and that we could use his attorney, and “it wouldn’t cost him $200/hour to get this over with”. I told him no way, I wasn’t stupid, and that I was entitled to get my questions answered by my own attorney, and find out what I am entitled to. So I retained my own lawyer. He was not happy about that. BUT HE NEVER HAD THE PAPERS FILED IN COURT - he had PLENTY of time and opportunity to do that. I think he realized that he could attempt to control me via visitation and child support; and if there’s no court order, he doesn’t have to pay support.
But his other behaviors are SO PUZZLING - for someone who wants this divorce so badly, he sure has been dragging his feet and behaving in odd, contradictory ways, i.e., wanting to know where I am when he has the kids in his care; avoiding my phone calls to discuss visitation or inquire about where the hell my child support check is [he calls the children directly to make arrangements for his visitation]; always insulting me, saying I’m a bad parent and I’m irresponsible, etc.; asking me to meet him for coffee to “discuss a few things - don’t worry, I’m not OJ” - and yet, will change his mind at the last minute and tell me there’s nothing to discuss. I came across a CD my daughter borrowed from him - it was, she said, “his angry CD, as he calls it” - with songs mostly about a man who is so deep in despair over his broken relationship: songs like, MUDVAYNE’s “Forget To Remember” and “Happy?”; MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)”; NICKELBACK “Savin’ Me”; an assortment of The Fray songs; METALLICA Welcome Home (Sanitarium) ….. just to give you an example.
Well - as much as I would have hoped to work on this [I currently have changed my mind for good], I went ahead and had my attorney file the petition so we can get an emergency order of support - no one fucks with the well-being of my children, their biological father included.
Let me also add to all this info the fact that I KNOW I was not an angel thru this entire relationship - I cheated in the spring of 1998 and spent more nights out with the girls than I should have, but I always came home to him. And, I know I could have been a better wife, mother, etc. Realistically and by being brutally honest, I KNOW the mistakes I made, and have opened my eyes to my faults. I am truly a work-in-progress with my changes, but I am changing for the better. He, on the other hand, thinks he has done no wrong, and he doesn’t need to change.
I have told him that I am all for the divorce now – but his behavior is getting WORSE and his meddling family doesn’t help.
Believe me – this summary is only the tip of the iceberg of my situation …..
I am SO confused – anyone have any thoughts/opinions about all this? I could use some views on this. Thanks!
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