Helping Your Kids Handle Divorce
Every year over one million parents have to talk to their
kids about divorce. For each parent, the discussions
differ, but the goals of the discussions are universal: to
openly and honestly reassure your child of your love.
Divorce is painful and traumatic for all involved – spouses
and children alike. We all happily begin our lives together
full of shared hopes and dreams and committed to a lasting
and loving relationship. Yet almost 50 % of today’s
marriages end in divorce. How parents handle divorce,
however, makes the difference in their children’s healthy
adjustment or potential maladjustment.
Here’s an example of how to begin talking to your child
about your divorce.
Let’s meet Brad: Brad is 9 years old and an only child.
He’s the apple of his mother’s eye and dad’s best buddy.
Brad is at the top of his class in school and participates
in the school band and in the spelling bee. He’s also an
active athlete – playing intramural hockey and soccer, and
running competitively. Both of his parents attend all of
his sports and school activities.
One day to his surprise Dad takes him out after a soccer
game and tells him “I have something sad to tell you. Mom
and I are having a hard time, and you may have noticed
something wasn’t right between us, and you are right. We’re
going to live in different houses and you’ll be spending
some of the week with me and some with your Mom. I know
this will be difficult for all of us. So we should talk
about it openly together and about what we’re both
feeling.”
Discussing divorce with your children is never easy. Here
are some tips to help ease this transition.
1. Communicate with your spouse (partner): Although things
have not worked out in the marriage, the two of you still
have children to raise together. Be sure you both are in
agreement as to the timeline of the change and give your
children clear dates and details. The more solid the plan,
the less anxiety your child will experience.
2. Use age appropriate language and details: A
five-year-old and ten-year-old understand very different
things and have different levels of maturity. Follow their
questioning before offering details. Be honest, but
remember what is appropriate for the age of the child or
they will not comprehend the situation.
3. Reassurance: Reassure them that they will continue to be
loved and cared for by the two of you. Let your children
know that your love for one another has changed, but that
your love for them remains strong and constant. Reiterate
that the divorce is not their fault.
4. Discretion: Make an agreement with your spouse to not
speak badly about the other spouse to the children. Refrain
from arguing in front of the children and do your best to
keep them out of your conflict!
5. Know yourself: Be aware of your own feelings of hurt or
anger. Do not make a child a confidant for the pain the
divorce is causing you. Seek a support group to help you
through this period. Share your feelings with friends and
professionals. Children are not therapists!
Always remember: Strive to be communicative and honest
during and after the divorce process because there will be
different degrees of feelings over the event as time goes
on. If you’re communicating honestly, however, you can
never hurt your child.
2005 Dr. Charles Sophy
Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for
the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family
Services (DCFS), which is responsible for the health, safety
and welfare of nearly 40,000 foster children. He also has a
private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California.
Dr. Sophy has lectured extensively and is an Associate
Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of
California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His
lectures and teachings are consistently ranked as among the
best by those in attendance.
Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the “Keep `Em Off My Couch”
blog, provides real simple answers for solving life’s
biggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental
health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at
http://drsophy.com
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Comments
As a result of my parents’ divorce, I was determined to make my marriage work. As a result I stayed in it 19 years longer than I would have if I had not been a child of divorce.
You can’t play the blame game, but you can learn from the experience and move on. In my instance, I saw how being a child of divorce clouded my view of marriage.
Thanks for linking my blog to yours, by the way. I added your link to mine! 
That is very interesting!! I have got many friends that have kids who have gotten divorced recently and I can see how it destroys them!!!! Some of these friends do not keep thier kids interests at heart and are using them to spite the other - It is really sad that they should be the ones to suffer!!!!! Hey I should let them come over here for some education!!!!!