Abandonment - A Divorce Issue
January 22nd, 2007 by DWordDiva
In high conflict divorces, those that never seem to end, abandonment is a common factor. These days, when we see divorced spouses returning to court two or more years after the divorce process was technically completed, we inquire into their early childhood experiences, and we frequently find abandonment trauma in their family histories.The most obvious form of abandonment is when a parent deserts the family, but it can also be the result of a parent dying when a child is young. Sometimes the effect of a parent being ill and away at hospitals or just not able to invest adequate time and energy into parent/child interactions is perceived by the child as abandonment. It can even be one consequence of parental drug or alcohol abuse. A substance-impaired parent is not emotionally available, and to a child that can feel like abandonment. Not surprisingly, many adopted children have feelings of abandonment.
I remember one case in which the children were diagnosed with abandonment anxiety. They had been raised by a stay-at-home, full-time mom. Abandonment seemed an odd opinion! However, the mother had suffered a long-term, untreated depression. She had been there for the children physically, but not emotionally.
Abandonment causes problems in divorce cases for both grown-ups and children. If one or both of the spouses have abandonment issues, divorce is very likely to reactivate the earlier trauma. The result can be outrageous, reactive behavior–the stuff movies and headlines are made of. One spouse may cut-up the other’s clothing or chainsaw the furniture in half. On occasion one spouse will stalk the other. In one case in my court, one spouse set the other’s house on fire.
Grown-ups who are suffering from abandonment problems frequently commit bizarre acts, but more often than not the one who is acting inappropriately is utterly unconscious of the force driving the behavior. Sometimes he or she will be genuinely embarrassed and say things like, “I don’t know what came over me,” but the desperate behavior may well recur after the divorce, when new concerns such as modifying child support must be addressed.
As for the children of divorcing parents, they frequently experience their parents’ divorce as abandonment, especially if one of the parents leaves altogether, moves away or just fails to visit regularly. Parents of these children need to be p repared for their child behaving in strange and unfortunate ways. A child may over-react to the death of a pet. When a friend moves away, a child may be inconsolable for an overly long time. A child who is made to feel abandoned may fall a part if he or she is not invited to a school chum’s party. Another, less obvious behavior, is the child who becomes the super achiever hoping the parent will then return.
The solution? First, there must be awareness that feelings of abandonment exist and that those feelings are powerful and potentially destructive. After that, counseling is generally the best way to fix things.
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2 Responses to “Abandonment - A Divorce Issue”
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Very Interesting post! I at least know where to come for support should I ever get divorced - lol (but luckily not any time soon). Take Care!
I absolutely agree with this article. My wife and I have been together since our junior year in highschool 1982, we married in 84′. We are both children of divorced parents. In my situation my father left for another woman, taking a two year hietas from his six children to Oklahoma, and returning to California moving into a city 45 minutes away. He came back and could not understand why his children did not want to have anything to do with him (at first). My wife’s parents divorced, her mother left California and moved back to Louisiana for I believe 3-4 years. During that time I believe there was also limited communication, also her father had remarried another woman who to my knowledge did not treat my wife very well. Her father and his new wife also had a child together. My wife’s parents eventually remarried after her father’s wife divorced him. They just celebrated their 26th anniversery of re-marriage. I feel both of us had experienced the sting of abandonment, although I felt more family atmosphere in my married into family than my natural born family. We have 5 children together 22in march, 20,15,14,& 6. First three are girls the second two are boys. We would been married 23 years this September. We suffered through 2 miscarriages and 1 tubal pregnancy. The tubal forced doctors to remove part of my wife’s tube and the baby. She was devistated by this, and suffered a few months/years of emotional distress. Unfornately I received a healthy portion of the blame of this “so called abortion.” This is the first time I have ever mentioned that. The doctor’s explained it would be very unlikely we would have any more children, she became pregnant a few months later and suffered a miscarriage (2nd), although a year later we were blessed with a healthy baby boy born in January 2000. In 2002 I was diagnosed with a neurological condition “chorea” and still suffer frequent siezures (grand maul, petite maul) and the sporatic body movements of chorea. I was deemed premanently disabled in May 2002. Prior to this I had a great job with excellent pay, my wife had been 13 years with the Army corp of Engineers. March of 2005, my wife decided and convinced me that she needed to volunteer to serve in Afghanistan due to finacial obligations. She had put us in serious debt. Although I suffered from this condition, I reluctantly agreed because she claimed there really was no other choice. In March of 2005 she started having an affair with an army reservist who was married himself, and said she wanted a divorce. She did not send any support home nor would she keep (until around June 2005) constant communication with either myself or our children. I felt completely rejected and abandoned and fell into a deep depression, all the while our children had neither of us. I realized I had to setup and be a father despite my own hurt. She was forced to return home earlier than expected for unknown reasons. She returned home October 16,2005. She had been back to the states a week earlier but spent the week in West Virginia, were her lover lived, and in Colombus, Ga were he served Reserve duty. He explained to his wife he was going to visit his father for that week. My wife moved directly back into the house, which I did not object to. I wanted to receoncile this marriage. She spent most of her time between October 16 and Nov 10 at the indian casino near our home. I believe she spent approximately 15 hours combined with the children. Novemeber 10 she flew out of state over the 4 day weekend despite our childrens’ wishes, stating it was none of their buisness where she was going, they ahd her cell phone number and she was going whether anyone wanted her to or not. She flew to W.Virginia. When she came home on the 14th, she moved into a seperate room and explained despite my objection, that she would only be here until June. She felt she would be able to move out on her own by then. All this time I was paying all of our bills and receiving nothing from her. In February 2006 we had a big fallout and she left the home. In March 2006, I filed for divorce. She spent very few weekends (never more than a few hours) with our three children who still live at home. She did call at least 3 times a week though. In August of 2006 she deployed to Iraq, without informing anyone. We had a court date Aug 21,2006. That is when I found out. I started receiving child support Sept 2007. I found out she made over 150,000.00 for the 7 months in Afghanistan, and no one knows what she is earning now. She tells the children when she calls she is doing this for them to provide a better life for them. They feel she has abandoned them and only cares about the money and her lover which she explained divorced his wife in Dec 2006, and is currently in Iraq. She tells her lawyer I am preventing her from speaking to the children Because I do not answer the phone when she calls, they refuse to. Most of the time she would call to speak to them for a minute or two and say “put your dad on the phone.” She would then continue to abuse me verbally because she knows I will not fight with her. I tried until December of 2006 to reconcile still because I love her, although after placing my children in counselling, I realized through the counselors she had indeeed abandoned them. I am fighting for sole custody, which she intends to fight. I really never thought about the situation the way I just read in your article as to why this happened the way it did (out of the blue). Thank you for the insight. This article has shed a tremendous amount of light for me personally. I do see the tremendous adverse affects this has on our children. It hurts my heart to witness it and try to do my best to give them a good life. But when you hear your 7 year old say out of the blue,”dad I am the only kid at my school that doesn’t have a mom, most don’t have dad’s….but I am the only one without a mom.” I have told him son you do have a mother she is just serving our country right now in Iraq to make it safer for you and your bother and sisters, but he simply replies, ” no dad I don’t have a mom anymore.” Sorry for the long reply, just wanted to share my own experience. Thanks for your insight and time.